Monday, February 11, 2013

Say It

This song was playing a few days ago, and it got me thinking about how many times I haven't said what needed to be said. I used to speak my mind very freely. Having children tempered that a little bit I guess. Being with Chris tempered it a little more. Now there are very few times that I saw what I think or what I think should be said.

I don't know if it is better to speak your mind or to keep things in. A healthy balance is probably the right thing to do, but who the hell has time to decide when to put a lid on it?!?! For me, I think I have become a people pleaser...sort of. I don't want to hurt those that I love, so I just don't address things that bother me. They never know, so they don't get hurt. It probably isn't great for my health, but hey, at least someone's happy, right?

When do I bottle things up the most? At work probably. I get so irritated at so many of the parents of my students sometimes. Being in a very rural area, there are extremely poor families. This tends to equate to neglected kiddos. It pisses me off to no end. Mostly because I have been there. I have been so poor that I had to beg my mom to pay my water or electric bill so that my babies would have heat and water. But by God, they were never allowed to suffer or even do without. If I had to clean toilets for my family members for my girls to see a doctor or have medicine, then so be it. I always came up with a way. They never even knew how badly off we were and how hard it was for me at times just to feed them, much less handle birthdays and holidays. It used to scare terrify me to the core when there were breaks in the school year like spring break, because I never was sure how I would keep them well-fed during the entire break without school breakfast and lunch to help get us through. How can you let your kids suffer? How do you see them burn the skin off of their leg, to the bone, and cover it with a dry diaper for God's sake (no ointment) before sending them to school? Seriously, I had this happen just a couple of years ago...I had to tell the mom to come get her and she couldn't return to school without a doctor's note...just so that we knew she had been to get the burn treated. Really? How the @$#@ do you do that to a five year old and think it's okay? Oh and, occasionally I get frustrated with my co-workers as well, but who doesn't? In order to keep things as peaceful as possible in the work place, I just stay in my classroom. It doesn't always work, and there have been some really bad spells. There are so many things that I would like to say. But I don't. Ulcer in the making? Probably. Or a heart attack. Stress at work last year put an extra 13 pounds on me...which I have lost in the last three months (kudos to me, yes).

At home, I can usually say whatever. Mostly though, I don't. I usually don't have to. Anyway...

"Say what you need to say"

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