Lessons Learned from Marriage

Let's begin with a bit of history about me, myself, and I. Brace yourself...the perfection that is my marriage now works because of lessons learned from other marriages...that of my parents'...and my own two previous disasters. A day or so ago, I was thinking about the relationship that I have with my husband, and I was struck by how 'easy' it is. Relationships aren't supposed to be easy, so that got me to wondering. What was it about previous personal relationships and those that I have observed that made them sour? What lessons had I learned to bring me to such a sweet spot with Chris?

My parents' marriage was a mess. With the example that I had, no wonder I failed at my first two. My dad was never there. Ever. Mom did everything. For everyone. I am the middle child of three, the only girl. My younger brother thinks my dad hung the moon. Poor misguided boy. My older brother was as jaded as I was about the entire situation. Mom didn't socialize, she raised us.

Lessons Learned:

• Just because you stay married, does not mean that your home is unbroken.
• Don't stay together for the sake of the kids...trust me, it's worse on them if you do.
• It takes two to make a marriage work.

Needless to say, the week after I graduated high school, I married my high school sweetheart. How dumb is that? Don't get me wrong, I got the two most precious creations in the world from that dumb idea, so I would do it again in a heartbeat...but, the marriage itself was a joke. He was 18; I wasn't. We played house for a bit, and then life hit us. Hard. I grew up; he didn't. He still hasn't.

Lessons Learned:

• Don't jump into a new (bad) situation to escape an old (bad) situation. The grass is NOT always greener on the other side.
• If you can't afford it, don't buy it.
• If you can't accept responsibility for your children, don't have any.

Following the demise of that seven year union, I was alone for about three years. I had dated here and there, as much as a single mom putting herself through college can date. I learned a lot about myself during that time (fodder for another post), and believed that it was time to get serious again with a man who had swept me off of my feet. He seemed sweet...bringing me medicine when I was sick, instead of letting me cancel our first date...that sort of thing. After we dated for three months or so, he became very moody and at times violently angry. He never hit me...but broke things, shouted, threw things, cursed me, etc. My dumbass believed he would change when we got married. So after dating for nine months, we tied the knot. He didn't change. He didn't get nicer. I asked him to leave after I found nude photos of his girlfriends (yes, more than one) on MY computer. Through our nine month marriage, I had put up with a lot of other things as well; much of the same of what happened during our dating months, except the girls witnessed it and were afraid.

Lessons Learned:

• If he/she is mean or hateful before you are married, he/she will still be mean or hateful after you are married.
• Where there is smoke, there is fire. Cliche' I know, but true. One of the girlfriends had a baby eight months after I asked him to leave...his baby.

Amazingly enough, a month after my second husband left, I met Chris. He is another blog post all on his own *smiles.* We dated for almost three years (with me wanting to get married after just one), before he finally let me quit waiting, and proposed. During those three years, I was so impatient! Getting married was the only thing we ever argued about...because he wanted to wait, and I did not. I really will save our love story for another post, and just finish this one with...

Lessons Learned:

• The best really is worth waiting for...really.
• Your perfect half is out there; make sure that you are ready for it.
• True love = a sincere desire to see your partner happy before your own happiness. Their smile is priceless.
• It takes two to make a marriage work.
• Your spouse should be: your lover, your best friend, your protector, your partner.